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The Real Meaning of Thanksgiving


Why do I have to live in a country that was founded by people so fucking uptight that even the British didn’t want them around?



I’ve been having trouble getting my phone service hooked up for over a month. It’s the 707 LAPTOPS line so not only have I been losing customers, but I haven’t been getting reliable internet service except when a neighbor has a wireless signal up. AND I’ve been paying for this the whole damn time.

State law says my landlord is in charge of providing one working line to the office. She says there IS one working line because there was when the last tennant was here. If it’s not working, it’s the phone company’s fault and I have to deal with them because she isn’t going to. Remembering the 11th commandment “Thou shalt not shit where you sleep”, I decided not to press the issue.

The tech coming out will cost me $125 which the company is kind enough to let me pay for over the course of 3 months. I asked if the fee could be waived or lowered. It can’t. Then I asked if I could get a credit for having not used my phone or internet for a month. They let me have $25.

I hate everything.

Cousin Dupree


She said “Maybe its the skeevy look in your eyes,
Or that your mind has turned to applesauce.
The dreary architecture of your soul.”
I said, “but what is it exactly turns you off?”

-Steely Dan

My Throat Hurts


Who the hell gets sick in July? I’ve been blowing my nose constantly for a week. Gallons of the stuff. What’s worse is that it feels like I tried and possibly partially succeeded in swallowing a base ball. And this is the second time in a month I’ve been sick.

I Lose!


That was a fun game. I almost had her.

So Smrt… I Mean Smart

English Genius
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For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog:
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The Other Side Of Lazy


I’ve been too lazy to keep my minifridge stocked, so I’ve been drinking room-temperature soda. I got unlazy and stocked it last night. The ice cold diet lemonade was wonderful this morning.

DJing in Cool Clubs


This homeless guy who totally walked out of Kaiser with monitors attached and everything came up to my window at 3am and started talking to me, asking me for directions and trying to bum matches off of me. He said he was trying to stay clean from meth, but that as soon as he got out (or escaped) he snorted some house paint and he was looking for a place to detox. I asked him if he meant sniffing some spray paint. He said no. He meant snorting, as in taking in through the nose and he meant house paint, like the shit that comes in a gallon can that you put on with a roller. After reeking up my fucking office by smoking into my window, he asked if I had water. I gave him a nice cold Aquafina, relieved he didn’t see my 2 cases of beer under my work bench. We chatted for a long time because he was unable to understand my directions on how to get to kaiser. (Litterally, one block THAT WAY, turn LEFT or TOWARDS THE FREEWAY at the light and then YOU’RE THERE, IDIOT.) He initially got lost at “that way” so I motioned again, but with a larger, more deliberate motion. He asked if I was trying to direct him towards the jail, and I said, no the jail is THAT WAY (another grand motion of the arm.) He asked how to get to the hospital, but kept saying “so I go that way to get to safeway” when I told him. I then asked, ” you want to go to Safeway?” He says, yeah, I bet there’s a ride there for me. I told him “you see those green lights over there? When you hit them, you’ll be there.” I shook his hand (and promptly washed it when I went inside) and went inside.

He told me he DJs at Michelle’s.

To quote Meredith:

“If theres one thing I’ve learned from this shotty life I’ve lived so far. Its that DJing in cool clubs doesn’t make up for not being able to hold down a job.”

I Think I Need a Secretary


I got a call this morning. I can’t hear very well to begin with, but I have a turbofan blowing at me while I sleep, so I really couldn’t hear what the person was saying on the phone.

Generally a call from a number I don’t recognize is asking me about what I do or setting up a pick-up.

I didn’t hear who the person said they were or what they wanted but I gave them a non-commital “uh-huh” when they stopped talking. Then she said “today?” and I replied that I’m free until 5, so I could do that. “Great! We’re open until 6.” I asked where she was located and took down the address, then I told her I’d be there at 2. Before she hung up I wondered how many pieces I was picking up. I used the word ‘units’ and she seemed confused as if I’d asked a stupid question and she said “Just one.”

2pm, I find the address and go to the office address that she gave me. I saw the sign that said what place was and I realized what the beginning of the phone call had been.

“Hi, this is _______ calling from Bloodbank of the Redwoods. We were wondering if you could donate some of that tasty 0-negative blood for us.”

So instead of an 8 year old computer with a tiny monitor, I got some oreo’s and apple juice.

I went out in the heat for THAT?

The Highlight of This Morning


I pulled a fatty cooling fan out of a giant industrial power supply unit for internet companies and stuff and set it up on my desk. It’s like riding in a covertible.

This thing has been giving me trouble for almost a month. The unit itself is huge and about 70 pounds. It’s mostly worthless scrap metal and I just need to take it to my scrap metal people, but it had that fan in there and I’ve been wanting to take it out since I found this thing. I’m not sure it’s worth any money online. It’s a little over-powered for a desk fan. It just became an Ahabian obsession of mine. The screws were hard to get to and of a weird tool standard, but after much effort I got them all loose. Now I can take this spent carcass of a machine over to Envirometal and it will no longer take up floor space in my office.

What I Came Home To


I got back from the airport to my office last night at about 8:30. I had a lot of cleaning and organizing to do.

Have you ever gone camping really far away? It’s like when you drive for 5 hours and when you get there, all you want is a friggin’ nap. But you can’t take a nap until you unpack everything, set up the tent, blow up the matress, maybe cook something.

That’s what coming back to the office was. The floor is covered in boxes of random crap and I discovered mold so I need mold remediation now. It’s hard to move around in here. All my clothes are packed in garbage bags from moving them from my old house. My couch was full of boxes. Shelves and drawers were quickly shoved into where ever they would fit so we could drive Alia up to her new place in Washinton. My car is still packed with crap. I’m afaid to go out there and look because I don’t want to deal with it.

Our residential cleaning services in Vancouver can’t be beaten. Vancouver is a beautiful city, one of the best cities to live in in the world. Since you live in the most gorgeous cities in the world, your home should feel the same way and we’re here to help with that. We are 604 Maids, a residential cleaning service in Vancouver, BC that does all sorts of home cleaning services.

I got home at 8:30 and cleaned until 2am. Then I went to sleep. I woke up at 9 and started again.

Killing Small Animals


A bat flew into Alia’s house here in Washington. We were awakened by Lisa the cat meowing and jumping and climbing the curtains. Ignoring the antics of a young cat, we tried to go back to sleep only to hear an insect-like chirp coming from the area of the window. Wanting Lisa to calm down and go away, I go up to catch whatever cicada or grasshopper she’d found and send it outside.

I pulled back the curtains and found, cowering in the corner of the window track balled up under both of his wings was small myotis bat. It was Alia’s dad’s idea to let the cats come in and out through the living room window, and then a friggin’ bat came inside.

Worried about rabies, Alia called the health department and I caught the bat. The bat had climbed the curtains and was hanging from the outside of them near the top, in a pleat. He backed away from my gloved hand using his clawed wings. I don’t know what small animals understand of mortality, or if they assume every experience where you’re grabbed by something larger than you will be the last experience you have, but it’s a little sad that 3 hours in a small box followed by a very short time in a bright room and then death was his last experience. The health department insisted we take the bat into town to a vet to have it killed, then we had to take the dead bat to the office to have it boxed up. (At that point it was shipped via Grayhound bus to Seattle for testing.)

We got a call today that it was not rabid and that we wouldn’t need precautionary rabies shots, which is good, as I don’t have health insurance.

I hope that in my lifetime there is a non-lethal rabies test.

I’m REALLY Pissed Off


Richard just sent home the movers. They’ve put most of the stuff in the garage. A lot of Alia’s furniture from The Century Guild’s custom woodworking made with the best planer they have, and all of her boxes that were labeled Bedroom 2 are buried under everything in there and it’s going to be such a pain to deal with it.

The movers were driving away before I realized what was going on, otherwised I would’ve stopped them. I asked Richard WTF, and he said “Oh, I just wanted to get the movers out of here.” We paid the movers over $4000. If he doesn’t want his money’s worth, fine, but I paid $2000 to that asshole. That’s half the mover’s bill. It’s just plain fucking rude to send the movers home without asking everyone, “hey, do you want the people to bring in anything else?”

I would’ve rather had a house full of boxes to move back outside than deal with that pile of shit out there every time we need, say, shampoo or the DVD player.

I’m Pissed Off


Alia’s dad isn’t good at planning ahead or making good decissions. We started towards Washington at 9:30 pm after wasting our time cleaning a house that he know’s god damn well he’ll never get his deposit on after leaving that much garbage in the garage. He look the fucking long way because “Oh, I-5 will be 2 hours faster but it was like 90 inland today.”

Newsflash, dipshit… we didn’t leave during the day.

We got to the motel at 4:50 in the morning and convinced them to let us check out at 1:00 the next day rather than noon.

We drove for 14 more hours the next day, again the long way. It was made more annoying because whenever Richard estimates ANYTHING, he’s short. I don’t know if he’s honestly guessing or he thinks an optimistic lie makes you feel better when you hear it, but when he says something will be 250 miles and it’s 350 miles, or that we’re 30 minutes from somewhere, but we’re 2 hours from that place, or even that something will cost $5 but will instead cost $14 it’s at best unhelpful and at worst really fucking annoying. So, I’m never going on a trip will Richard again. By the end I was so damn tired of following him going 55 in the 70 zone we looked up the directions to get to Ferndale on Mappoint and ditched them just before Seattle.

If the trip wasn’t bad enough, I got sick the first day and really sick the second day. I don’t know what I had, but I had a headache and fever and an insatibly dry, sore throat. I got to sleep most of the second leg, but it wasn’t good enough sleep to make me well again.

I would also advise against driving with your cats for 800 miles. I now know I don’t want children and if I have children by some terrible accident, they’re never going on long car trips… ever.