Well, It’s Official


Of all the girls I have loved in the past, more of them have children than do not.

Shiver Me Timbers.


Yo, ho, fiddly-dee, being a pirate is alright to be.
Do what you want, ’cause a pirate is free.
You are a pirate!





This study implies that people who go out an drink make more than people who don’t go out and drink. One might infer from this that hitting the bars once a week will boost your income. I’m finding issues with the causality here. Doesn’t it make more sense that people who have higher incomes would go out to drink more, and not the other way around?

People who subscribe to Golf Digest and Cigar Afficianado also have higher incomes on average than people who subscribe to Wired or Jane. Hmmm… better go subscribe.

On the Road Again


Well, I feel much safer now with Willie Nelson off the streets.

Don’t we have a war or two going on? Don’t we have terrorist cells living within our borders? Don’t we have some deadly spinich to take care of?

Willie Nelson? That’s what we are focusing on? A dude and his friends with some grass? Really? Am I missing something here?

Attaboy, Clarence!


I woke up this morning and enjoyed that half second of feeling well-rested and really good before you remember all your problems. “Well, crap. I’m broke and have no car.” Bummer.

I checked my email and was shocked to find 20 or so emails from paypal. Overnight, my friends from TivoCommunity.com had gotten together and pitched in to fund my next car and help me get back on my feet. Spiff started a thread and tons of people send money and gave good thoughts, kind words, advice, car ads and reminders that people care about me. I needed those reminders more than anything else right now.
Yesterday, (after I had nixed the plan to curl up in bed and slowly starve in front of my beloved laptop.) I was planning on getting a cash advance on my credit card or funding my paypal account with my credit card and getting a $500 bucket. Now I can actually get something that runs and I don’t have to go deeper into debt.

Two days ago, I was bitching about feeling like I didn’t have any good friends. Now I feel like the luckiest guy on Earth.

I’m Screwed


I was out of groceries so I wanted to go to Jack in the Box for dinner. I got to Jack in the Box and the line was insane, so I wanted to find a 24 hour grocery store because I didn’t want to wait in line and I changed my mind about spending money on nasty fast food so I headed to Safeway.

My engine started making a bad noise, I couldn’t get the car over 45 on the freeway and the engine blew up around the College exit. I coasted down for about a half mile and down the exit ramp and was lucky there was a Shell station on the corner. There was a state trooper there giving some poor schmuck a ticket and I was lucky because he helped me push my car into the station and radioed for a tow truck.

2 hours and $175 later, I’m at my shop with a dead car and an acute sense of hopelessness.

And as if there wasn’t enough insult on top of my injury, I didn’t even get my dinner from Safeway. I’m eatting some canned spaghetti right now. It’s surprizingly satisfying right now.

I’ve been looking for a second job for a while, but now I’m kind of limited to places I can get to on foot or public transit. My only good interview so far was at a tasting room in Dry Creek, but now if I get that job, I’m not sure how I can get there.

Without a car, there will be no more computer pick-ups and no more runs to the scrap metal or electronics recycling place. My business is dead in the water.

I started the day depressed, now I’m fucked. It’s hard to see a way out of this hole.

Why I’m Pissed Today


The state assembly passed a bill that would provide universal health care to everyone in California. I voted for the person who represents my district. The governer vetoed it. I did not vote for him.

I pulled over to the side of the road upon hearing this on the radio and tried not to freak out about the state of the world and how helpless I am in it.

I’ve Done All the Stupid Things


Level 1
(x) tried a cigarette
(x) tried a cigar
(x) smoked weed
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) drank alcohol


Level 2
(x) are/been in love
(x) been dumped/rejected
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight

SO FAR: 10

Level 3
(x) snuck out of a parent’s house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
(x) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
(x) gone out on a blind date

SO FAR: 15

Level 4
(x) had a crush on an older person
(x) skipped school
(x) slept with a co-worker
(x) seen someone/something die

SO FAR: 20

Level 5
(x) had/have a crush on or liked one of ur MYSPACE friends.
( ) been to Africa
(x) been on a plane
(x) thrown up from drinking

SO FAR: 24

Level 6
(x) eaten Sushi
(x) been snowboarding
(x) met someone BECAUSE of myspace
(x) been mosh pitting

SO FAR: 29

Level 7
(x) been in an abusive relationship
(x) i might have taken a few extra allergy pills once/taken pain killers when you didnt need them
(x) love/loved someone who you cant have
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel

SO FAR: 34

Level 8
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up

SO FAR: 39

Level 9
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone taboganing
(x) cheated while playing a game.
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school

SO FAR: 44

Level 10
(x) used a fake/someone else’s ID
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(x) killed a snake

SO FAR: 49

Level 11
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed/vandalized
( ) robbed someone
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pet a deer

SO FAR: 53

Level 12
(x) won a contest
(x) been suspended from school
(x) had detention
(x) been in a car/motorcycle/4-wheeler accident

SO FAR: 57

Level 13
( ) had/have braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 60

Level 14
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes

SO FAR: 65

Level 15
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the world
(x) swam in the ocean/gulf
(x) felt like you were dying

SO FAR: 69

Level 16
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sang karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins

SO FAR: 74

Level 17
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn’t
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) kissed in the rain

SO FAR: 78

Level 18
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care/cared about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach

SO FAR: 83

Level 19
(x) crashed a party
(x) have traveled to Whale Watching San Diego with more than 5 days with a car full of people
(x) gone rollerskating/blading
(x) had a wish come true

SO FAR: 87

Level 20
(x) worn pearls
(x) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed Vitalikor “penis/dick” in class
( ) swam with dolphins

SO FAR: 90

Level 22
(x) got your tongue stuck to a pole/freezer/ice cube/popsicle
(x) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes
(x) Sat on a roof top

SO FAR: 94

Level 23
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) done/attempted a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 3 hours
(x) stayed up all night

SO FAR: 98

Level 24
(x) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had/been in a tree house

SO FAR: 101

Level 25
( ) believe in ghosts
(x) have/had more than 30 pairs of shoes throughout your life
(x) gone streaking
(x) gone/visited someone to/in jail

SO FAR: 104

Level 26

(x) played chicken
(x) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you’re hot by a complete stranger
(x) been easily amused

SO FAR: 108

Level 27
(x)caught a fish then ate it
(x) made a video
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
( ) cried so hard you laughed

SO FAR: 112

Level 28
(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) forgotten someone’s name
(x) slept naked
(x) French braided someones hair
(x) gone skinny dippin in a pool-jacuzzi
(x) been kicked out of your house

SO FAR: 120

Level 30
(x) Rode a roller coaster
(x) went scuba-diving/snorkeling
(x) had a cavity
(x) black-mailed someone
(x) been black mailed

SO FAR: 125

Level 31
(x) Been used
(x) fell going up the stairs
(x) licked a cat
(x) bitten someone
(x) licked someone

TOTAL: 130/144

Dead or Alive


I was living in Stockton trying to find a job so I could live in the same town as my girlfriend who was going to college there. I had terrible room mates who gave me no privacy (I’d always catch them peeking in my windows and cracking open my door) and whenever I put some food in the fridge, it would inevitably be gone before the morning. For instance, this was the days of 29 cent hamburger day at McDonald’s, so I would buy enough to last me a couple days, but my left-overs were never sacred. In addition to having terrible room mates, I was having a hard time finding a job, and due fear of getting blowed-up many of the interviews that week were canceled, postponed or consisted of ‘we don’t know when the company will be hiring again after what happened on the East Coast last week’. I also noticed a sharp drop in being called to come in to places I applied to.

When I woke up that morning to my clock radio, I was having disturbing half-awake dreams about “devastating attacks all up and down the east coast” and “fire-fighters trapped in the rubble, talking to their comrades on the radio.” I went out to the living room to see WTF was going on, and the people I was renting from were glued to the TV and I asked what happened. “Saddam finally got us” she said, which is funny now, because as much as I want to blame Bush for a lot of things, there was always an inability to tell one brown-skinned desert-dweller from the next amongst some of the population.

Later that month, I decided I couldn’t afford that room to rent, and even if I could, I couldn’t stand to live with those rude, annoying people. Over the course of a night I packed my room, quietly moved things to my friend’s truck and left the room empty and spotless before the morning without being heard or seen (stealthy, like the ninja.) I lived in Alia’s car or slept in her dorm for a short time before we decided Stockton sucked and moved back to Santa Rosa.

After five years of “Post 9/11 America” a lot of things have changed and nothing has changed. Now I show up as a blip on the FBIs grand database whenever I buy hummus or rent Michael Moore movies. I have to wait in line for an hour with my shoes in my hand at the airport. Dead or Alive, meant “Alive”, the prolific flags and magnetic ribbons on cars are still pretty common and still pretty useless, and Escalades and Hum-vees are as popular as ever. If the government allowed the attacks to happen so they could invade oil-rich countries, the plan has largely failed, because, seriously where’s the fucking cheap gas? Gas prices have almost doubled in the last 5 years, and if you ask me, if people are still buying anything that GM makes, gas isn’t too expensive- it’s too fucking cheap.

Cory’s Theorem on Drunken Dialing


The formula for how funny a drunken call you recieve works like this.


Where D is the coefficient of drunkedness, h is how hillarious the caller is in her sober state, F is how good of a friend the caller is with you, t is how late (in hours) into someone’s sleep you’re calling and m is mood expressed by 1 for a cheerful mood and -1 for an angry or depressed mood.

Everything Goes to Hell Anyway.

Why be sweet, why be careful, why be kind?
A man has only one thing on his mind...
Why ask politely, why go lightly, why say please?
They only want to get you on your knees!
There's a few things that I never could believe:

A woman when she weeps,
A merchant when he swears,
A thief who says he'll pay,
A lawyer when he cares,
A snake when he is sleeping,
A drunkard when he prays.
I don't believe you go to heaven when you're good;
Everything goes to hell, anyway!

Laissez-faire mi amour, ce la vie.
Shall I return to lobby or swim back out to the pool?
Love to swim! Thanks to UV Pools.
The world don't care what a sailor does in town,
It's all hanging in the windows by the pound.
I don't believe you go to heaven when you're good;
Everything goes to hell, anyway!

I only want to hear you purr and to hear you moan.
You have another man who brings the money home!
I don't want dishes in the sink,
Don't ask me what I feel or what I think.
There's a few things that I never could believe:

A woman when she weeps,
A merchant when he swears,
A thief who says he'll pay,
A lawyer when he cares,
A snake when he is sleeping,
A drunkard when he prays.
I don't believe you go to heaven when you're good;
Everything goes to hell, anyway!

I Will Be Correspondent to Command.


Sometimes nothing will go right for a long time, then something will happen that turns it around.

Sometimes you give up on something you wanted, only to get it.

It’s usually to uncommon to think about or be happy about, but it’s nice when it happens.

I Need a New Job


This part time business just barely pays the bills, and it looks like I need a second job if I want to have extra money. I wish I could afford to hire someone to yell at me and keep me on task so I could make more here. There is no way I am maxing out this place’s earning potential.

Did You Ever Get the Feeling?


Sometimes I think that I’ve gone my entire life liking people a hell of a lot more than they like me. I can’t, off the top of my head, come up with someone who liked me more than I liked him or her.

This extends to romantic and sexual relationships too. I’ve been in a lot of relationships where I was way more into her than she was into me.
Am I alone on this? Am I even right about this?

San Francisco


Sourdough, my friend. Even 10 miles away in Oakland the fragile yeasts and bacteria can hardly survive to create the sourdough that can only be found in San Francisco. What is it about San Francisco that makes that rare strain of yeast and Lactobacilus San Franciscus thrive near the wharf? And the tragedy: you can take the starter out of San Francisco. You can bake a loaf. It will taste perfect. The next loaf will taste less perfect. Each subsequent loaf will taste less and less like the perfect sourdough of San Francisco as local strains of yeast take over the San Francisco strains and the last of the native bacteria from the city die off in their new environment. The only way to make authentic San Francisco sourdough anywhere else would involve bunny suits and a clean room more suited for microprocessors than bread.

I wonder how the French feel about all this. Not only did Northern California help out their wine industry by selling them blight-resistant vines at the turn of the 20th century, but a stroke of biological luck caused us to top the flavor of sour french bread they love so much. Saveur de la Terre is a cruel bitch, ain’t she, Frenchies? Now if they could just take back those fucking garden snails they also brought over during the Gold Rush. The snails that hang out in your ivy, that you step on in your bare feet on summer nights, are escargot snails, decended from a large group brough over in the mid-1800’s. Yummy.

I’ll be in Seattle going to school in a year or two and all I will miss about this dump is the sourdough. (Oh, and my friends.)

Aw… I really will miss this place. I’ll be back when all the 23-year-old idiots buying their houses on interest-only loans cause a housing crash and I can finally afford a house in Sonoma County. 

(This is the kind of post I write when I’m still drunk at 8am.)