Why I Don’t Want Kids

09.30.2008

I’ve met obnoxious children. Sometimes, they’re too young to be accountable for it. Sometimes they just act that way to be cool because their parents are not around. This one was neither.

Today, a woman and her 11-ish son walked past the door of the shop. “Napa sucks ass” he shouted, into the open door. The mother looked appologetically at me and walked by. Then she doubled back 30 seconds later and entered the store and started looking around. The kid immediately began yelling “This store sucks.” I guess his mother explained to him who Michael Chiarello was because when she said “See that’s Michael Chiarello” pointing to one of the large pictures of my boss’s shapely mug. “He’s ugly and farts on himself.”, “He’s the ugliest man I’ve ever seen!” coming up to the counter and adding “And you look like him!”

He’s not the first person to mention that.  Thanks kid! We’re both handsome men. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

His mother starts trying to get him to leave. At this point, he lets out a high pitched cackle in her ear every 15 seconds. Half-heartedly appologizing, saying he’s embarassing, she heads for the door, then as she’s almost out of my miserable life, she walks over to a shelf and tries to tell the kid “Hey, grandma has this bakeware.” With one more cackle in her ear, she says “You know that hurts my ear when you do that?” He then goes from badmouthing the store to badmouthing her purple valour jogging suit, calling her a “fat purple blimp”, “a pool toy” and asking “Did you put enough helium in this morning?” Her response was an exhausted “That’s not how you talk to your mother, and she whisked him out the door, where he then flashed a gang sign to some teenagers loitering at a bistro table and said “Fa shizzle ma nizzle, my fellow gangstahs.” I’m sure this kid is going to be a chick magnet some day.

He then continued that high pitched cackle and lack-of-volume-control yelling, and I could hear it all the way down the corridor as she (hopefully) was walking down the parking lot, and (hopefully) not any other stores. Seriously, I could hear him across the entire outdoor mall.

I had a polite grin the whole time, and I must admit, I was slightly entertained on this otherwise slow night.

I almost feel sorry for her. Almost. Since you really can’t blame kids that young for what’s going on in their crazy minds, I’m going to have to put the blame on her fuzzy purple shoulders. If she can stand to go out in public with him, I can only hope her embarassment is all used up and she’s just going through the motions of being embarassed. Otherwise, she’s just equal parts sadist and masochist.

Until she said “That’s no way to talk to your mother” I assumed she was his probation officer or a councelor at whatever group home for mentally disturbed children he’s from.

Yikes.

Thank Goodness for Spellcheck

09.29.2008

I nearly emailed the CEO of my company a daily report talking about about a large sale of “Stainless Steel Cockware”.

Michael Chiarello: Celebrity chef, TV Personality and purveyor of fine weiner jewelry like the okulary przeciwsłoneczne watches.

I give 50/50 evens on whether that would’ve gotten a chuckle or gotten me fired.

Capitol evacuated due to suspicious bail-out package.

09.29.2008

Not really… I just wanted to use that snappy one-liner.

Blood Donor Buzz

09.26.2008

The bloodmobile came to the shopping center where I work, so I donated on my lunch break.

Saving lives feels gooooood. *dizzy*

I just need a bottle of wine here and my day would fly by.

On a related note, I tried to encourage the other employees here to donate as well. I offered them an extra break for as long as the donation took in addition to their normal lunches and smoke breaks.

No takers.

One has lived in England, one was gay and one was too underweight to donate. For an organization that calls me constantly bitching about blood shortages, chomping at the bit to get a pint of my tasty O-Positive, they’re a little too ready to turn people away. Kind of pisses me off.

Harvey Milk Day

09.19.2008

The same person who sends me emails about “Barack HUSSEIN (sic.) Obama” sent me this gem.

Dear Friends,
This is a time for immediate action. While we are working to protect marriage, our legislature has moved forward with more Gay Rights legislation. Presently AB 2567 sits on the Governor’s desk, awaiting his signature. This bill would make it mandatory for every Public School to set aside May 22 as Harvey Milk Day where it will be mandatory to explain Gay Rights and the accomplishments of Harvey Milk to bring about this agenda.It is important that calls are made today and tomorrow (Thur and Fri).
ACTION: CALL SCHWARZENEGGER TO STRONGLY OPPOSE AB 2567 AND URGE HIM TO VETO
AB 2567.
Dial 916-445-2841

1 for English

2 To speak with a staff member (It’s painless and just takes a minute.)Tell
the staffer that you are strongly opposed to AB 2567 Harvey Milk Day, and
urge the Governor to Veto AB 2567.

or if you get a recording…follow the instructions to voice opinion:

Would like to express opinion on AB 2567 press 1 then
Press 2 to oppose bill

They will ask for your first name and what City you are calling from, only if you get a staff member, the recording just records your vote.

Please, Please call it takes about 2 minutes!
Thank you for your prompt Already on Governor Schwarzenegger’s desk is a very bad bill that will push
even more homosexual, bisexual, and transsexual indoctrination upon children
as young as kindergarten. AB 2567 would designate every May 22 as
‘Harvey Milk Day’ in California’s government school system.

Harvey Milk was a homosexual activist who was a San Francisco supervisor
until he was killed in 1978. Milk championed homosexual experimentation,
sexual activism, and the abolishment of sexual boundaries. He also regarded
organized religion as dangerous.

The text of AB 2567 states that ‘On Harvey Milk Day, exercises remembering
the life of Harvey Milk and
recognizing his accomplishments as well as the contributions he made to this
state’ should be conducted; specifically, ‘all public schools and
educational institutions are encouraged to observe…and conduct
suitable commemorative exercises.’ In other words, anything and everything
Harvey Milk believed in or is now purported to believe in will be inculcated
into children’s impressionable minds.

If signed into law by Governor Schwarzenegger, every May 22, AB 2567 will
positively portray to children homosexual experimentation, homosexual
‘marriages,’ sex-change operations, and anything else that is ‘in the
closet.’ There are no limits on the ‘suitable commemorative exercises’ that
can be conducted. Obviously, AB 2567 has nothing to do with academic
excellence.

ACTION: CALL SCHWARZENEGGER TO STRONGLY OPPOSE AB 2567 AND URGE HIM TO VETO
AB 2567.
Dial 916-445-2841

1 for English

2 To speak with a staff member (It’s painless and just takes a minute.)Tell
the staffer that you are strongly opposed to AB 2567 Harvey Milk Day, and
urge the Governor to Veto AB 2567.

They will ask for your first name and what City you are calling from.

Please, Please call it takes 3 minutes!

There is so much wrong with this Email, I can’t even begin.

But I’ll try…

First of all, it does not require that any classroom, school, teacher or child do ANYTHING in honor of Harvey Milk, or the homosexual community.

Second of all, we have holidays for all kinds of heroes. The special ones even give us days off. Why Christopher Columbus gives us a day off, while Harvey Milk Day is on the same level as Earth Day or Arbor Day is beyond me, but I’m fine with that. Cesar Chavez gets a day to honor him in this state. We don’t do much special on that day as a state. I don’t see why Harvey Milk shouldn’t get the same treatment.

Third, and I promise, while I could go on, I’ll stop with this one… third, “Homosexual indoctrination?” What the hell does that even MEAN? “It’s not only OK to be gay, children, we insist that you kiss your best friend or you get an F for the day!”

Sometimes I don’t think people realize how hateful and disgusting they sound. “The pastor said it, so it’s alright for me to say it.”

I have a “Harvey Milk for Supervisor” button. It’s probably very valuable, but I hope this bill passes so I can take it out of its frame and wear it next May 22nd.

To the person that sends me these, you know who you are. I love you like a sister, you’re a wonderful person, I’m canceling perhaps every vote you will be doing this November, and please, for pete’s sake go to Snopes.com to fact check before believing, let alone sending, this crap to darken my inbox. You’re smarter than the person who forwarded these emails to you (*cough* *cough* *douchebag boyfriend* *cough*), and you’re too smart to pass these on without a little scrutiny.

Snap Trap Dilemma

09.11.2008

When you use those wood and wire snap traps for rats and mice, and you catch your uninvited guest, do you remove the rodent from the trap and save the trap for later, or do you throw the trap out with the animal?

I heard the trap snap early this morning and didn’t have time to dispose of the old girl. I hope she didn’t give birth yet. I don’t want little pinkies suffering, dying and stinking in the near future.

Since she’s the only rat in the house, I don’t need the traps anymore. I thought I could just throw the trap and her away when I get home. Then I thought how wasteful that is, so I thought I’d ask a stupid question to no one in particular.

The rat’s name was originally Mike, when I thought it was a dude-rat, but when I noticed she was nesting, she became Tierney if that helps your answer.

Update: Threw away the trap. She looked still pregnant. Good news.

Rats Cannot Be This Smart

09.08.2008

I’m trying to get rid of a rat, so I baited 4 traps with cotton balls and peanut butter. I put them all in various places I’ve seen evidence of the rat. Near the liquor cabinet is where I think her nest is. There is about a 4 inch clearance underneath. I set a trap in front of it, and checked it this morning. It was not there. I bent down to look under the cabinet. The trap was there, sprung and robbed of bait. When the trap went off under the cabinet, it jammed the hammer against the bottom of the cabinet such that it did not completely close, so the rat could safely have the peanut butter and cotton without getting it’s neck broken.  She’d pushed it there.

Rats cannot be that smart.